A Mom of an Only Son

Hi Parents of Onlies!

Sometimes we feel "lost at sea" as parents, at least I do. On occasion I feel I'm "keeping her steady", even enjoying the salty air as it stings and cuts across my face, and other times I feel I'm just clutching onto a rope, and holding on for dear life!

My son is nine. I didn't feel so concerned with him being an "only" when he was younger. When he was very young, I made a great playmate for him much of the time, but now that he's a young boy, it seems he really needs his playmates to be other kids, and not so much "mom". So the dynamic has shifted. And I ask myself, How positive a thing is it for his mom to be a regular playmate? His Dad's work schedule doesn't revolve around my son's, as mine does (by design, so I can pick him up after school each day), so I spend far more time with him than his dad does. When there aren't any friends around, which is pretty often, I go out and throw a frisbee with him, or play catch.

I read that boys with close relationships with their moms grow up to be stronger, happier men, so I do feel he's going to have that going for him. But there are some stigmas about mom-and-son companionship which may have negative consequences for him. I often hear put-downs on tv sitcoms, and on cartoons, in reference to the ultimate "loser" trait -- doing this or that "with his mom." It's sad. Not only because it hits homes so closely, but also because I feel it pierces his heart too. It sends a message loud and clear that society has some very questionable and disapproving feelings about boys hanging out with their moms. While it seems just fine with him on a "gut" level, I'm pretty sure these messages, which basically "instruct" him that it's not okay, really hit home inside him. How is he to process this at nine years old? And how do I put it in proper perspective myself -- other than try to "remedy" it by spending less time with him and assisting him with building more friendships? I hate that it's a cruel and hurtful society we live in, not just in this regard, but in all the ways it insists that boys turn into tough little men, and leads them to mask their feelings. "Real Boys" written by William Pollack, examines all of the mixed messages boys receive growing up, the pressures on them to display what society defines as "manly" traits, and just how challenging and harmful it can be for them.

Anyway, I'm naturally concerned with him making some good friends, not just for normal social reasons, but to make sure that he doesn't have to hang out too much with good old mom! There are no cousins in the landscape of his life... the few he has are not close to him in age and live 2,000 miles away. He has friends at school, neighbor friends, and friends thru sports, and I invite a friend over a couple of times a month on weekends...(having kids over every weekend is just too much for me). He plays with neighbor kids a few times a week after school too. Still it's challenging planning regular times for him to spend with other kids because people are so busy these days... it's hard to count on people to be around and available when you are! I've noticed that families with multiple children are less interested in making efforts to facilitate regular get-togethers. They obviously don't feel the necessity like I do because their kids have each other as companions on a daily basis.

My son's "best" friend (an only child) moved away about a year ago (his Dad made the necessary efforts to foster a strong friendships by making his son available to spend a lots of time with my son). Though they have maintained a special friendship, since he moved away they've grown apart. Kids thrive more on the activity of playing together than on the "concept" of having a friend in their mind. Another close pal moved to Costa Rica.

I feel it is my responsibility to orchestrate a strong social circle for my son, to help him to build strong friendships, and help him to foster new ones when others fall by the wayside. It's a lot of responsibility, and not easy to accomplish. It sometimes feels like an effort in futility.

I'm a typical mom who wants the best for her child, who wants to create the best childhood experience possible for her child, and minimize as many negative factors as I possible can. In all of that, I know I'm not alone. However the concerns with parenting an only definitely presents its unique challenges!

I tell myself I need to trust in the natural course of things, and do the right things... love my child with all my heart, spend quality time with him, do all I can to give him a stable, balanced life, then lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day and believe that's enough.

A mom of an only son