No choice in the matter.

I live in the UK and have just stumbled upon this website and have been thrilled to read all the message postings which echo my sentiments and experiences utterly on being the mother of a single child. I too have been persecuted (no, I don't feel it's too strong a word) for having one child, even though it was my husband's decision and not mine at all. He is also an only child and sees no disadvantage to the situation. My daughter is now seven and we have never been able to establish a regular bedtime for her (despite 'professional' help and sticking to regular routines). Unfortunately, she regularly goes to bed (with me! I'm so shattered!!) at 10 pm plus. Therefore, she has been somewhat of a 'smart' bomb in our lives. This, coupled with the fact that my husband is an air traffic controller and so works shifts, that we have no family help and that I am 45 has resulted in our only child. We have also recently moved (again, not by choice, but because of my husband's job) to a new area where the 'norm' seems to be three to four children which compounds my feelings of isolation and failure. However, my child is an intelligent, beautiful and sociable little girl who is very popular. We both adore her. I just wanted to add my feelings on the subject. We are all mothers doing the best for our offspring, however many they number I would love to hear from anyone who would like to chat more.

I feel weird that despite the many who have read your post, I am the first to reply. Some of you need to share your stories too!!!!!!!

Anyway, I had DD at 67 and 3 M/Cs since. Hubby is okay with one, but I am feeling the lonliness as family is away. I do all I can to keep DD occupied including preschool and playdates. I am determined to adopt when DD is older so she has a sister. If hubby balks, I'll just divorce. I've decided, I would rather live near family and her cousins than live lonely anymore.... she is adjusting fine so far, I hope it continues.

Our son is 6. Our very first son died at 6 weeks of a rare genetic disease. Chances of our children dying are 1 in 4. We're lucky to have one--he's healthy, happy, fun. We're good.

But when we were first hit with the news, I felt like we also didn't have a choice. That "single-childness" was thrust upon us. Of course, that's not really true. We could be foster parents and adopt from there. Take out loans for the rest of our lives to pay for an adoption. We could simply roll the dice again and again and hope we luck out. The truth is, being the parent of a unique child (as they are known in France), is always a choice. There are always ways, if you really want to, to have another child. It may not be biological, but I make no distinction between families that chose each other and ones that don't.

The concerns you cite don't exist because your daughter is an only child. Every kid has their troubles and adding siblings doesn't solve them. I have a friend with 3 boys and the oldest sounds much like yours--sleeps with her, late at night (he's 6), demands her attention despite the "bulit in playmates" who frankly he'd just as soon punch in the stomach as share a toy with. Don't let anyone ever tell you your child is how she is simply because she's one. It's never that simple.

That's what troubles me about people who think only children are lonely and the "cure" is a sib. I was one of five, and more often than not I felt very lonely--BECAUSE my family was big. I was just another face in the crowd. My oldest brother yearned to be an only child they way we often think only children must yearn for siblings.

I'm convinced that one way is never better than another and I believe that much of our comfort level with our lives is also reflected in our children's comfort level with their lives.

For the first few years, after my husband and I decided that really, we weren't going at add another, I focused soley on the positive aspects of being an only child (from my son's point of view), being the mother of an only child and also being a couple with one child. I'm glad I did because I can see things now that other people can't about the advantages. It is very easy to get caught up in other people's and even your own ideas about what a family should be, but when you look hard and what it is and appreciate that, it all seems to fall into place.

I like to reply to chellpenz comment about her last remark. I suppose you are right about the fact that we do get caught up on what others and the world thinks is the perfect family. I seem to have been part of that. I am a product of an only child family. My father died when I was 34 years old. I never minded being an only child growing up from what I remembered. However, when my father died, it all changed. I was very closed to him. I found myself with alot of responsibilities that I just never imagined. I was the sole caregiver for my mother who now has cancer and I had to be the sole person to take care of all the funeral arrangement. At the moment, I wish I had a sibling to lean on. I had cousins, but it didn't seem to be the same.

Now, I am married and have an only child. My daughter is now 4 years old. I am 39 years old and have tried several IVF procedures to have another child. All my efforts have failed and now face with this dilemma of should I come to peace with myself that I will follow in my mom's footsteps and have one child.

My fear is that my daughter will feel the burden that I felt when my father died. I never would want that upon her. I felt very alone. I understand that it is not a guarantee that even if you have a sibling that that won' t happen also. I would love her to have a playmate, but that too is not a guarantee that they would be close. I try my best to me the best mother. I sometimes wonder if that is all I can ask of myself.

Melissa

I am replying to the person who voiced concerns that their only would be responsible for caring for she and her husband in their old age. And for arranging their funerals, etc. Having a sibling does not guarantee that a child will have help with these things. I am 40 and my dh and I are very blessed to have a 2.5 year old. She will most probably be an only. By choice. I have worried about these things also. What I plan to do is to pre plan our funerals, have an updated will and purchase long-term care insurance for care in the future. We are also investing in our retirement so that my daughter never feels financially responsible. As far as love and support goes, my truest hope for my daughter is that she has friends and someday a partner that will love her (as I do) and help her through any difficult times. DD also has numerous first cousins who, although older than her, she spends as much time as possible (they live at a distance) I want her to have her cousins to count on and visa versa. I have a crying two year old waiting so must go. Just wanted to add my two cents :-}