One child not by choice

Due to a later in life first marriage and DD at 37, I will have an only child not by choice. I worry about her being a lonely only for two reasons: my mom was one and hated it, but she was raised by a single mom who had to work. Also, DD recently had such a great time with cousins at Xmas, she wanted to go home with them and got mad when they left. I try my best to keep her occupied and she goes to preschool. However, I fear more for her teen/adult years when having siblings is important. Comments? Thanks for listening.

Hi Theresa,

I read your post and did not know how to respond at first, and then I got to thinking about it, and I feel like we are all really in the same boat. Although I've gone on and on about how it is okay to have an only child, all things being equal I would like my son to have a sibling. But I feel incapable of raising another child and still being a good mother. So in that sense, it is not really a choice for me either. I guess we are all just getting along the best we can. I just try to stay positive, and think about all the stories I am gradually hearing, the more I discuss this issue with people, about only children who are doing fine. And I have to believe there are advantages too; whenever you get one thing in life you give up something else. My son's personality and the person he turns out to be will be the result of the attention he has gotten, and the solitude that he may come to appreciate. There is something to be said for the privacy you have when you get home from school and can have some down time once in a while, which is unlikely in a busy family. And of course I do plan to provide him with chances to have friends over a lot, take a friend on vacation, so I really cannot imagine that he will grow up and say like was boring because he did not have a sibling. It is great that your child has cousins; they will also be there when she is grown up; family is family. I try to get my son together with his cousins as often as possible so they will have memories to share.

I think it is easy for kids to "push your buttons" about issues like this. Like when your daughter was mad having to leave her cousins. Say a girl had a same-age girl cousin she had fun playing with on vacation, then had to go home with "just" her little brother. She would still be mad; we can't provide our children with every experience/sibling/playmate they might think is ideal. It just hurts more when you are sensitive about this issue. Maybe it is not exactly that simple, but I think there is some truth to that.

Good luck to you as you come to terms with this.

Julie

Thanks for sharing, Julie. Yes, I think you're right. We often react to and adjust to the lives we are given.

I recently visited a long-time friend around Thanksgiving. Her husband is from Gaza who grew up the youngest in a very large family. As a result, he prefers isolation and needs time to "regroup." He wanted only one child, so after they had two, he got a vasectomy, telling my friend he just couldn't handle the "noise, conflict, etc." that comes with multiple kids. My friend was devasted as they live far from extended family.

Sometimes I think it is a generational thing. One generation has large families, the next small, etc. I know in my husband's family it is definately the case. Therefore, one generation makes up in one the other one lacked. As my DD loves babies already, I expect her to have a larger family and I will be more than happy to help out when the time comes.

I am also interested in foster adoption of an older child if my husband can agree. There are always options. Thanks for listening.

Theresa

Every time I read on only children, I get the feeling that people seem to have them by choice due to financial, economical reason etc. I have one child I gave birth to at 40 via IVF. I want so much for my son to have a sibling. I have tried several more IVF cycles, which resulted in either negative or the last one in a miscarriage. At the age of 30 (first and only marriage) I had lost my first baby to a 2nd trimester miscarriage too. I never chose to have an only child. I have spent thousands of dollars of own money to have a child, period. By miracle and grace of God, he is the only child I did not miscarry. He was meant to come, I suppose. And after him, I have spent thousands more to try to have one more, and then spent thousands trying to adopt, to no avail. Sometimes people ask me, "do you have more children?", or "Is that the only child you have?" and I wish they knew how much of my heart, my wallet, the pain I have gone through just to have a child in my life. I never chose to have just one. Since my son is born, I've been trying to have another one. But it has not been my luck. I feel so desperated at times. I am a single mother by choice. I am not rich. I have given it my all to have a family on my own without being married, because re-marriage was not in my cards either. I have 2 older siblings but they live thousands of miles away, and growing up, due to the age difference, they really didn't grow up with me. Not having extended family makes it worse. What do you do, when you have done everything to try to have another child, but just to have one was so painful, difficult, and long awaited? Researching on the internet, I find no sites where they talk about this. What do you do when you don't choose to have an only child, but that's what you have? What do you do when that only child is your only family left? Don't I have the same feelings that I want another sibling for my son, someone to be there for him when I'm not? I want so much to have another child because I love being a mother and I would love for him to love another baby and have fights and relationships with. Out of all the disappointments I have faced in my life, having him is the only thing that helps me survive, the hugs and smile of my baby boy- finally after so much pain. I have never had friends who have understood this or been like family to me. My desire to have immediate family has been stronger than anything- I have never let living on a small salary as a teacher deter me from having another child. I always took care of my finances in my life......but what hurts is that I have spent thousands on IVF and then same for adoption, and both are next to impossible. IVF is not possible anymore as I have exhausted my turns, and people don't know how hard adoption is. But back to the discussion of having an only child, not by choice. I want him to experience that unconditional love of immediate family that friends do not share. I wish I could frame the pictures of my unborn children and my negative pregnancy tests up there with the picture of my beautiful son. I wish people were of kinder hearts and more considerate nature before they ever asked, "is that your only child?".