Deciding to have one by choice

We have a 4 1/2 year old boy, who is the most loving sweetest on the planet. He asks me when will i get a new baby in my tummy and I feel my heart break. My husband feels that one child is perfect, and I feel life is so wonderful as it is now too: we can afford traveling together, we can manage our little house, we have the time available to meet all of our needs, etc

But when i speak to older mothers of one, all of them I've talked to say they wished later that they would have had another. Yesterday, one of the couples we know that has just one child, told us they are pregnant, and i felt so down. That same day, another mother of one said to me harshly, "Sometimes its NOT a choice!" I worry that I may regret this decision later and i don't have the back up of "i physically can't have one". Is there anybody out there that has decided to have just one, instead of being physically limited to one?

We have a 4 1/2 year old boy, who is the most loving sweetest on the planet. He asks me when will i get a new baby in my tummy and I feel my heart break. My husband feels that one child is perfect, and I feel life is so wonderful as it is now too: we can afford traveling together, we can manage our little house, we have the time available to meet all of our needs, etc

But when i speak to older mothers of one, all of them I've talked to say they wished later that they would have had another. Yesterday, one of the couples we know that has just one child, told us they are pregnant, and i felt so down. That same day, another mother of one said to me harshly, "Sometimes its NOT a choice!" I worry that I may regret this decision later and i don't have the back up of "i physically can't have one". Is there anybody out there that has decided to have just one, instead of being physically limited to one?

My husband and I have an only child (son, will be 11 in May) and we are delighted. Not only is he the smartest kid in his class (I sincerely believe its because I was able to spend many hours teaching him), but he's confident, makes friends easily, and very mature. Contrary to popular belief, he is not in the least bit selfish. In fact, because he has never had to fight for anything, he is very generous with his stuff. He also knows that sharing is a great way to ensure a steady stream of friends! I love the fact that my home is usually clean, my bills are within control, and best of all, I can spend time and resources way more than others of similar background with more than one child.

We made a choice to have one, and have not regretted this decision even for a day!

Dear Laura,
My situation sounds similar to yours. I physically could have another one. But, emotionally I think having another would stretch me so thin I would no longer be as good of a mother. And I have thought about the big regret question. I have been told the same thing - "everyone who has just one, later, when it is too late, wished they had had more." I spent hours and days soul searching over that one. And the answer for me personally, was this: What would be worse, to not have another one and regret it, or to have another one and regret it? This might not be so applicable to you, but for me, I tend to get VERY anxious and overwhelmed by parenting. I have learned to manage it with Conrad, but I am stretched to my limit. (I know that sounds weird and exaggerated to some people; so many people can handle parenting multiple kids so easily; they think I'm CRAZY to say I'd be overwhelmed by it. But I am serious; I am at my limit). I have no doubt that I would love a second child, but what if I got so overwhelmed I took it out on the kids? I can just picture myself saying, "I used to be a good mother and now all I do is yell." Because I know myself and what I can handle, I am at peace with the regret question.

It might be harder for you; I think the more a person thinks "maybe it could work" the harder the decision would be. Good luck!

Julie

Dear Laura

I am an only child and just celebrated my 50th birthday. My father was an only child and I have an only son - now 19 years old. So we have three generations of only's! I'd like to be able to reassure you that it's all great - but nothing is quite so simple. There are good and not so good things about being an only.

I didn't feel I had much choice. I wanted a second child but my husband didn't. It's too late now! In a way I feel relieved. We've had a good life and been able to travel the world with our son, and give him a life he wouldn't have had with a sibling. I'm sure there are things he's missed out on, but there are also things he's enjoyed. It all balances out in the end. If you're aware, as I was, of some of the pitfalls of being an only then you can compensate for that.

The worst thing? From my point of view is the pressure you feel to meet parental expectations. Even if parents are careful to not do this - as an only you 'know' what they want. The second worse thing? When your parents grow old and you're the only one to care for them and arrange their funeral. The best thing? Like for any child - knowing that you were truly loved no matter what!

Enjoy your child - or children with no regrets and make the most of every day.

Sue

Laura,

I have a beautiful two year old son. Before he was born, my husband and I always assumed we would have two kids. Well, I had a miscarriage before my son, and then my son was born six weeks early. He was in the NICU for ten days w/ pnuemonia and a collapsed lung. My husband and I were totally traumatized. (we had to leave him overnight, and I will never get over the fact that I had to ask permission to hold my own baby).

There was aproblem with my cervix, and I have been told I will likely be on bed-rest if I am pregnant again. So Laura, like you, I can probably do it physically, but at this point I choose not to. I am scared of facing the possibitlity of complications again. Also, my son has asthma, and I have spent the night with him in the hospital recently ( he wa barely moving any air in and out of his lungs), and we have had a tough time with many of his attacks. Another thing is, I will be 35 in a couple of months. I personally do not want to have a baby to close to 40.

Medical reasons started our thinking that one was the right number for us. My husband is now totally sold by the lifestyle one offers. We can travel, I can stay home with our son (which has already made a huge difference in his personality and vocabulary) We can actually afford one college tuition, and we can retire early. We can have a calm, peaceful home. My husband and I both grew up with a lot of yelling and arguing, and all of that chaos seeems to stress us out. When you add one more into the family, everything changes. I would have to work, and both kids would be in daycare. We would not be able to go on nice vacations. We would have little time for our kids, and like Julie, I would not be as patient of a mother. Also, would I be able to recover as well from a pregnancy in my late thirties? Another thing is, my son wakes up at 5am. When would I sleep?

All that being said, there are still those nagging questions in the back of my mind. The guilt. Will My son be lonely? Will he resent us for not giving him a sibling? Will I regret it when It's to late? Will I be analyzing this for the rest of my life?

I know what decision is best for us, I think it will take some time for the second guessing to go away. I always remend myself that there may be "issues" as an only child, but at the end of the day, everyone has "issues". Isn't it better that your issue was you had to much love from your parents, rather than not enough?