Not so confident

I'm not as confident about having only one child as those in the other discussion. My son is an only child because I have not been able to conceive another. We are a very happy family of three and I'm sure he will be fine. I just did not expect to have only one child and I have some concerns. It's difficult for my husband and I not to constantly have our son (he's five) in the spotlight - he's the center of our world! I don't feel that's good for him to have all of our attention and all of his grandparents' attention all of the time. Also, how much does he need to be with other kids? He's not one of those children who likes to play by himself and he's out of the stage where he's happy playing with us as often as we used to play. He wants the attention of other children. I set up playdates several times a week but there is still plenty of "down time" spent watching TV or playing with his gameboy. Also, I worry about him being alone as an adult when his dad and I have died. I have two siblings as does my husband. Even though we are not extremely close to our siblings we spend holidays and birthdays together. Growing up I always had someone to watch tv with, fight with (wich isn't a bad thing!), share my parents money, time and attention. I don't know how my only child will have a similar experience without siblings. How do I parent an only child?

Jeanne,
Don't worry about it all! I speak from the perspective of being an only child of an only child...

We are leaders, not followers; we are not pressured by peer groups, if we don't like what is going on in a peer group we make our own. We are independent thinkers, allowed to love ourselves and know ourselves because we have time to get to know us.

I have Chase, 5, he is awesome (as are all kids!); Yes there are times he is alone, but you know what? There are many times as grownups we are alone too...so many adults do not know how to be alone, our children will know themselves early. Do not be cowed by others opinions, they are not your family. If you end up with one beautiful child, then be assured if you keep your attitude positive, talk positive, think that way...your child will see the glass half full, not empty.

Good luck girl, there are tons of us out here, it's just connecting.

Pamela

Thanks so much! I just needed to hear some words of encouragement from someone who has been there. I know deep down that we'll be fine! :)

I have a 7 year old only child - who is always the center of attention in our house. His grandparents live right next door and he is spoiled rotten by them as well as by us. He does have a lot of friends come over and he has a cousin who is a few months younger than him that spends every other weekend near us - so they are like twins - but like you said there is still a lot of down time where he is off playing his game boy - or moping around saying he is bored! I am a working mom - and I try to spend as much time as possible with him - but dirty dishes and laundry and cooking take up alot of my time too! I feel awful when I look out the window and seeing kids playing with their brothers or sisters - I wish my son had that. Now that he is 7 I feel I have missed my chance. They will be 8 years apart! Not much of a playmate. But at least when they grow up - like you said they will have each other, right? I had orginally thought I wanted an only child - but now I'm not sure. I had terrible depression after I had my son and that's what really scares me about getting pregnant again. Also my son cries if he thinks about me getting pregnant because he is afraid of me going in the hospital. He asked me if I could adopt a kid that's closer to his age so he has someone to play with! I'm honestly thinking about it.. have you ever thought of adoption?

Jeanne,
Believe me, I share your concerns. I am not totally confident about our decision, although I am confident that it is the right one for us. Just as some people have one child because the cannot conceive one physically, we are not having more because I feel I cannot parent more emotionally. So it is kind of like with you - a decision by necessity that I am trying to feel good about and make the best of. But I think of all the same things you do. When I see adults who are close to their siblings, I feel sad that Conrad will not have that.

As far as the center of attention thing, I worry about that too. My answer to that is that Conrad will grow up knowing he is not the center of the world because he does have to share it with my job, the relationship between me and my husband, etc.

I am "sort of" an only child myself. I have a half brother and sister who are 12 and 14 years older than I am and did not live with us when I was growing up. So I have siblings now, but I did grow up as the only child in the house. One thing my parents did that I think was really successful, is manage to have other kids around a lot. We always took a friend on family vacations. My goal fpr Conrad is for him to have "brothers and sisters in the world." When I was in elementary school one my my friends had a divorced mom who really needed support. My mom became her kids' before and after school care. It benefited their family, and gave me "siblings" on school days. I figure there are going to be so many other families as Conrad is growing up who could use help and support; I hope we can build "mutually beneficial" relationships with someone.

Anyway, I totally know where you are coming from. Whether it is a "decision" or not, it is a big issue to think about whether you child will have siblings or not.

Julie

Hi Jeanne, thanks for sharing. I can share in a lot of your sentiments. Often I think, 'My God, no man will be able to fill my husband's shoes when DD looks for a mate.' He lavishes so much affection on her. It is truly incredible. I know it is good for her self-esteem, but she is becoming a "princess." I know I'll have to be the disciplinarian.

Anyway, please make playdates and friends a priority. Also, it is crucial for you or hubby to "fill-in" at times for a sibling in playing sports, etc. Really, a Gameboy is a babysitter and not an activity. Get him into T-ball, soccer, music, or anything that suits him. Then spend at least an hour a day practicing or just having fun with that activitiy.

DD is 3 1/2 yrs. and we do puzzles, play 'dolls,' dress-up, etc. I also take her to preschool where other kids her age can play with her. It is a main priority to make sure she has a "social circle." This is esp. crucial for girls.

Good luck,
Theresa :)

Hello, I also have an only child she is three. I am really strong on not wanted another one but everyone that I know has atleast 2 if not more, and everyone gives me their opinion including my in-laws. Do you guys believe that only children are going to be bad off? My daughter is totaly always in the spot light not only the only but the only granddaughter on both sides. I am so confused please help me to make me fell better that one is ok and she will be OK. On the other hand if we were to have another what in your opinions is a good age of your first to start again?

Hi Jeanne

There's never easy answers to this one. I'm an only child. My dad was an only and so is my son. Three generations of only's!!! I don't remember ever wanting a sibling as I grew up - except when on boring holidays with my parents! Now I am 50 and facing a possible marriage breakup and a son who has just left home to live on the far side of the world - yes I do wonder about my choice, but it wasn't easy to have a second child and I live with that.

My parents made a mistake - they isolated me and moved me around the country. If your child is surrounded with lots of mates then he will have better social skills than children brought up in closed families. If you do not move around too much then he will have the opportunity to keep some of those mates for life. Then you won't need to worry about him after you've gone! Think of the good side - at least there won't be any unseemly rows between siblings at your funeral!!!

Seriously - the worst thing my lovely parents did was to love me too much. I was the centre of their world and that's not a good place for any child. Take some time for yourselves. Set the bounderies and you will enjoy a happy child and hopefully, a happy marriage.

sue