I feel like the only one!

I am really excited about this message board! My name is Julie and I am the mom of Conrad, age 2, who will be an only child. We are the only family I know with one child who is not planning to have more. I am in a local moms group and everyone with a child my son's age either already has another one or is planning one. I have heard people say things like, "My husband wanted only one child, but I would never do that to a kid. Kids need siblings." People have such strong feelings about this, and it is hard not to be sensitive about it.

Still, I have no true doubts about our decision. I find parenting very challenging. I think I am a good mother to one, and would not be a good mother to two. We would all lose out.

I'd love to hear how others have handled people's comments and opinions that we are cheating our children.

Hi Julie! Wow, it sure is refreshing to hear someone express my thoughts exactly!! I get so angry when I hear comments such as those you posted or "It is selfish not to have more children". I feel it is selfish to have more children when you truly don't want any more!
My husband and I have one son, Gavin, who will be 4 this February. Believe it or not, he doesn't want to "share" us with a sibling--that's what he says! I have talked to so many grown only children who LOVED there childhood. Plus, you aren't guaranteed that you will even be close with your siblings in life!! I know sooo many familys who hardly speak to there siblings, my husband and father being a perfect example.
My brothers and sisters don't understand our decision, but it isn't theirs to understand. I love them and their children to death, but I see how frustrated they are and how much their children miss out and I feel more confident about our choice.
A friend of mine who has one daughter (10) says this to people who feel they can uninvitingly make comments to her, "There are 3 people in our family and only 2 in our bed--and you are not one of them".
I read a story about a woman who chose to have only one child and I loved her analysis that she loves her "triangle" family and the strongest object possible is a tripod.
Write back becuase I could go on for days.....

Hi Dee!
Wow, I hadn't checked this message board for months because I didn't get any replies at first. I just checked in today, and there you were. I love the tripod analogy! Also the "two people in our bed" reply. I think I will use it! You know you need some snappy comebacks when I dread going to the dentist because I know the dental assistant will tell me I "need" to have more children. lol!!

I'd love to chat more.

Julie

Hi Julie and Dee!

My name is Danielle and I have a soon to be 3 year old son named Mark. My husband and I are thinking that Mark will be an only child and I feel really at peace with that decision. My only issue is that my husband was an only child and he has always wanted 2 children, just because. This makes it extremely difficult for me because not only do I fear I will regret the decision to only have one, I also fear my husband will resent me later b/c he has always wanted 2 children but has decided to give in to me.

We are so very happy with just one that I can't imagine complicating things by adding another to our family. My husband agrees that it's very nice to have extra money and to have more freedom (we're just beginning to get back to normal again from the whirlwind of having our first). He agrees that one would be less complicated and easier for us to manage. However he still wants our son to have a sibling, regardless of the fact that we are perfectly happy as we are. Dr. Phil said you shouldn't bring a child into the world with a job and this really hit home with me. I can't justify having another child just to serve as a playmate/sibling for my son. I believe the desire needs to be there to care for an infant again and to be pregnant again and I just don't have it in me. I had severe pre eclampsia and my son was delivered emergency c section at 35 weeks (I was on strict bedrest in the hospital from 26 weeks). It wasn't fun. My son had to spend 4 days in the NICU and it was terrifying to me. Hubby believes everything will be just fine if we get pregnant again, but I keep thinking how on earth would I manage to take care of a 3 year old while on strict bedrest ? We have no family near to assist us. I'm a SAHM and he works long hours and I would be primarily responsible for the work involved with caring for 2 children. Would it be the right thing for me to give in and have another to appease my husband? I don't want him to resent me later, but I don't want to be a frazzled parent of two children either.

Anyway, that is my long story and I apologize for taking so much of your time, if you got this far :) I have really enjoyed reading your posts and they have helped me immensely just to know there are others out there struggling with what I feel is one of the most important decisions people make in their lives. I hope to talk to you guys more in the future!

I'd love to hear how others have handled people's comments and opinions that we are cheating our children.

BTW, I live in a place where having 5 kids is perfectly normal. EVERYWHERE I go I am asked not if, but when I am planning on having my next child. When I explain he will probably be an only, I am given lectures about how unhealthy it is to have an only child.

As of yet, I haven't really handled the comments. The comments just add to my confusion and make me feel selfish for only wanting one child. When I really sit down to think about it though, I know in my heart that every family is different and will require different things. No one can dictate what is best for me or my family. These people mean well, but they can only say what worked for them. That's where it ends. My husband and I will decide what's best for us. Providing we can ever come to an agreement ourselves

Hi Danielle,
I'm glad to hear from you. That must be really hard, with your husband. I am lucky in that my husband is pretty much 100% ok with it now, although he would have wanted another child. He is more easygoing and less likely to get stressed than me, so he would probably handle having 2 better than I would. BUT, as you said with your family, he works long hours, has hobbies (which I really don't have time for, even now) so most of the work would be mine. I would definitely say you get more of a vote, as the primary caregiver. It just has to be that way.

I liked what you said about Dr. Phil. I see it that way too - if we had another one, that child would have a job - to be a sibling for Conrad. And that would have to come across in the way I treated him or her, no matter how much I tried to hide it.

As far as dealing with other people's comments, I haven't come very far on that. Although I have gotten some lectures, mostly I get "why?" and tons of questions. I think people just genuinely don't understand it, and I don't want to be rude, but I'm ready to start saying, "Wow, that's a really personal question. Do you really think you should be asking that?" As for people who give lectures, I thought of a funny thing to say to them, but I haven't had the opportunity (or the nerve) to say it yet. I like to write, and have thought about writing something about this topic. So, when people say rude things, I could say, "Wait, that's good; I have to write that down. I'm making a list of rude comments people make to only-child families, and that was a really good one! Thanks!"

Keep in touch,
Julie

Julie and Danielle,

I just found this web site the other day out of desperation! It has been good for me to read even the few posts on this message board. My situation is that I also (like Danielle) live in a small town (we moved here two years from a big city bc of my husband's job) where it seems as if everyone was married early and have big families. We have one son who is 6. I home school him.

Whenever I go to any home school activities I feel like I'm undercover (I never mention that I have "just one") bc many of these families are big (6+ children). When we lived in Maryland, usually the families in our church had 1, 2 or 3 children. I think bc bigger cities mean more pressure and it's busier and harder to raise families?? I don't know.

Anyway, to be honest, I wanted to have another child (for several reasons), but I had a miscarriage and have not been able to get pregnant since (I'm now 43) so it looks like, for all intents and purposes, our son will be an "only." At first I was upset and bitter about it but just this past week I feel as if I've turned a corner. However, I struggle with some things and want to know if anyone else has these comments, questions and/or feelings. . . .

1) Our son is shy and reserved and I feel as if he'd be more "socialized" if he had a brother or sister. I feel that he is judged to be this way BECAUSE he's an "only." I think it's his temperament.

2) Does anyone (with bigger families) complain to you about how busy they are and subtly make references to how easy your life is because you have one child? This has happened to me many times and really makes me mad and makes me insecure. I work part-time (20-30 hrs./wk.) and home school, but I don't usually run down my schedule to people. However, I feel as if I have to justify to people what I do with my time!! One lady in my church even told me that "your life must be a piece of cake." And another time, when I was scheduling meals to be brought to a woman in our church who had just had her second baby, the pastor's wife said to me "Oh, she has only one child to take care of besides the baby. She won't need meals." I was shocked and said, "But don't we want her to feel loved even if she doesn't "need" help?" I got a blank stare in return. BTW, she has 3 children herself so I guess that means she's busier?? Do you think that people think upon these issues all the time or do I just happen to come acorss these type of people? I'd like to know others' experiences.

3) Do you ever worry about what will happen when you and your husband are dead?! There will be no one to remember my son's childhood with him. I say this bc this happened to a friend when her parents passed away. She is an only child and she said those words. It made me feel sad and now, of course, it's stuck in my brain.

4) Because I home school, I have found out that some (not the majority of them) homeschoolers believe that you should have as many children as possible and not use any birth control whatsoever. Usually these families have 8-12 children and sometimes cannot support them. However, when I am at a conference and have one child, it feels really strange (by the way as I type this at the library a h.s. mom with 6 children just dropped in and wants my son's computer). I don't want to go around telling total strangers why I have one child! Yet, I feel a subtle judgment. Maybe I'm imagining all this???

5) Someone said to my husband that he's not really a dad bc he has only one child (this was on father's day). My husband is very forgiving, but I was ready to rip the guy's head off!

I need encouragement! Can you give me some canned statements to use that will put them in their place (kindly but firmly)?!

Hope to hear from you all soon!

Olivia

Wow. Let me begin by saying I am completely elated to be having this conversation with people who understand EXACTLY what I'm going through. It's so wonderful to meet you all To answer the questions:

1) Our son is shy and reserved and I feel as if he'd be more "socialized" if he had a brother or sister. I feel that he is judged to be this way BECAUSE he's an "only." I think it's his temperament.

My 3 year old son is an only and we will also be homeschooling. He has had no preschool activities and I've been at home with him since his birth. We do attend one gymboree class per week. My son is a complete social butterfly. He will talk to anyone and will always be the first to approach kids on the playground to play. I truly believe "socialization" has little to do with being shy. I think you are right on about it being temperament.

2) Does anyone (with bigger families) complain to you about how busy they are and subtly make references to how easy your life is because you have one child? This has happened to me many times and really makes me mad and makes me insecure. I work part-time (20-30 hrs./wk.) and home school, but I don't usually run down my schedule to people. However, I feel as if I have to justify to people what I do with my time!! One lady in my church even told me that "your life must be a piece of cake." And another time, when I was scheduling meals to be brought to a woman in our church who had just had her second baby, the pastor's wife said to me "Oh, she has only one child to take care of besides the baby. She won't need meals." I was shocked and said, "But don't we want her to feel loved even if she doesn't "need" help?" I got a blank stare in return. BTW, she has 3 children herself so I guess that means she's busier?? Do you think that people think upon these issues all the time or do I just happen to come acorss these type of people? I'd like to know others' experiences.

I'm always hearing that I won't understand what it's like to be a "parent" until I have more than one child. I totally resent that statement. I sometimes think those people are just jealous that we only have one and they have 6 to deal with.


3) Do you ever worry about what will happen when you and your husband are dead?! There will be no one to remember my son's childhood with him. I say this bc this happened to a friend when her parents passed away. She is an only child and she said those words. It made me feel sad and now, of course, it's stuck in my brain.

I worry about that all of the time. We're trying to travel a lot to have our son visit with his cousins to develop a close bond to them. I have a sister and we don't speak nor do we have a close relationship to discuss our childhood together. My husband is an only and he's always talked with his cousins about his childhood as well as his friends. Friends are important to only's and can be more fun than siblings b/c they get along much better all of the time and we get to send one home! My husband's parents always brought one of my husband's friends on vacations and such. I truly believe it was much more fun that way then fighting with a sibling the entire time.

4) Because I home school, I have found out that some (not the majority of them) homeschoolers believe that you should have as many children as possible and not use any birth control whatsoever. Usually these families have 8-12 children and sometimes cannot support them. However, when I am at a conference and have one child, it feels really strange (by the way as I type this at the library a h.s. mom with 6 children just dropped in and wants my son's computer). I don't want to go around telling total strangers why I have one child! Yet, I feel a subtle judgment. Maybe I'm imagining all this???

Totally dreading this............

5) Someone said to my husband that he's not really a dad bc he has only one child (this was on father's day). My husband is very forgiving, but I was ready to rip the guy's head off!

That's pretty harsh. I can't believe someone would say such a thing. This is one of those cases where I would consider the source and try really hard to let it go.



I need encouragement! Can you give me some canned statements to use that will put them in their place (kindly but firmly)?!

I think Julie is your girl for this. She's got some really good ones!



Hope to hear from you all soon!

Olivia

Julie,

I think you should definitely start using your ideas when people say crazy things. It is just as rude for them to ask and lecture in the first place as it would be for us to respond in a defensive manner. I would love to know their reactions if you ever do it! Let us know what happens

My husband is wonderfully understanding. I have trouble taking birth control, I had been on the depo shot for years but have recently been taken off due to all the bone loss controversy. Since then I've tried the patch, the ring, and the pill and nothing has worked for me. I have severe mood swings with the estrogen hormone so that pretty much eliminates all forms of BC with the exception of the copper IUD which could be dangerous.

He has agreed to have his tubes tied in April and we decided that if we really wanted another child in the future we could adopt. Although I'm currently not using any protection so if we conceive a child in the next couple of weeks it will be a miracle child :)

Hi Olivia!

It's nice to meet you. It is clear that the same questions are going through all of our heads. As much as I know that having only one child is the right thing for our family, I still have doubts. The same ones you have...

1) Our son is shy and reserved and I feel as if he'd be more "socialized" if he had a brother or sister. I feel that he is judged to be this way BECAUSE he's an "only." I think it's his temperament.

I think it definitely is temperament. But I also worry that whatever my son does he will be judged for being an only child. If he is loud and wild, he is spoiled. If he is quiet and reserved, he is not socialized. It's like you can't win, so I will protect myself by reminding myself of kids in large families who have similar traits. We can all think of them, and it is a reminder to take people's comments with a grain of salt.

2) Does anyone (with bigger families) complain to you about how busy they are and subtly make references to how easy your life is because you have one child? This has happened to me many times and really makes me mad and makes me insecure. I work part-time (20-30 hrs./wk.) and home school, but I don't usually run down my schedule to people. However, I feel as if I have to justify to people what I do with my time!! One lady in my church even told me that "your life must be a piece of cake." And another time, when I was scheduling meals to be brought to a woman in our church who had just had her second baby, the pastor's wife said to me "Oh, she has only one child to take care of besides the baby. She won't need meals." I was shocked and said, "But don't we want her to feel loved even if she doesn't "need" help?" I got a blank stare in return. BTW, she has 3 children herself so I guess that means she's busier?? Do you think that people think upon these issues all the time or do I just happen to come acorss these type of people? I'd like to know others' experiences.

YES!!!!! So funny to hear you say that, because it happens all the time. I have one friend I have started to avoid for just this reason. She manages to bring every conversation around to this topic. I swear, if I were to say the sky is blue, she would say, "Well, it's blue to you, but you only have one. I have 3, so it's very different for me." For this particular person, I think a big part of her self-worth comes from being able to be a good mom to 3 kids, so that's the focus of everything for her. I try to consider the source. And true, if I had a second child, I would probably look back and think my life is easy now. Just like I look back on life before having a kid and it seems easy. But it was not easy. Every life has challenges, and it is silly to compare.

3) Do you ever worry about what will happen when you and your husband are dead?! There will be no one to remember my son's childhood with him. I say this bc this happened to a friend when her parents passed away. She is an only child and she said those words. It made me feel sad and now, of course, it's stuck in my brain.

Yes, I worry about this. But my dad was an only child (who thinks it was the greatest, by the way). He has a cousin who he can look back on his childhood with. This is valuable to him, but not the most important thing in the world. Same situation with my grandmother, who was an only with no complaints. She had a cousin who she did not see a lot as a child or an adult, but when they did get together, they shared certain memories. Conrad does not have any cousins who are close in age, but some who are a little older who I hope he'll have a connection with. And I hope he makes some good friends and that they become family to him in a way.

For this reason, and others, I do wish sometimes I could have another one. But, I was just talking to a friend today who knows a family of 4 grown kids, none of whom speak to each other. So that reminds me, it's no guarantee.

4) Because I home school, I have found out that some (not the majority of them) homeschoolers believe that you should have as many children as possible and not use any birth control whatsoever. Usually these families have 8-12 children and sometimes cannot support them. However, when I am at a conference and have one child, it feels really strange (by the way as I type this at the library a h.s. mom with 6 children just dropped in and wants my son's computer). I don't want to go around telling total strangers why I have one child! Yet, I feel a subtle judgment. Maybe I'm imagining all this???

I'm sure the judgment is there. But I would really consider the source. 8 or 12 kids and can't support them?? And they are questioning YOUR life??


5) Someone said to my husband that he's not really a dad bc he has only one child (this was on father's day). My husband is very forgiving, but I was ready to rip the guy's head off!

That is just the rudest!!! It's one thing when people are somewhat quietly judgmental, but to say something like that. That is a person who just deserves to be told they are rude.

As for other (less blatant) comments and questioning, I read recently something about when someone asks something you do not want to answer, smile and ask, "why do you want to know?" I think I will practice using that one. It is simple and non-defensive, but a real reminder to them that they are asking a personal question that is not their business. For people who make comments or give advice, I think I am going to start saying, "Wow, it sounds like a topic you have some strong feelings about. That's interesting" A reminder to them that it is their issue, but not their business to make judgments about your family.

Hang in there! Stay in touch.

Julie